Category Archives: Unconcious motives

In Search of the “One”


When single, it is often a challenge to meet that special someone who will fulfill one’s dreams, desires and, of course, there are the more practical issues to consider–similar values and goals. So where and how does one find that special someone who could be the ‘whole package’?

Many people will talk of why they should look for someone to be a partner with, usually it goes something like this, “I will be less lonely: I will have the family I always longed for.” But the how often remains more elusive.

People often have lists of where they may go to meet that special someone. Online dating seems to be very popular; going to the gym, bar, art galleries, even the supermarket may be on the list. But other questions abound: Should I be more flirtatious? Should I impress more? Should I call more, or less, or not at all? The questions are endless and lead nowhere and everywhere.

So let me introduce you to Marilyn. She is an intelligent, attractive, and charming young woman. She meets many men that could be potential good partners. She states that her suitors are interested in going beyond the casual dating situation with her. But one by one, they somehow do not meet the grade. Marilyn begins to feel frustrated and eventually saddened. “I will live a life of loneliness,” she laments.

One day Marilyn meets Lawrence. He is enthralled with her beauty and intelligence. Marilyn wonders what is wrong with him? How can he be that enthralled in such a short time. It just can’t be so? Marilyn creates a wall, a barrier, a gigantic sign that states, “there’s something wrong with you for admiring me?” But he reads the sign as, “I don’t like you, nor want you.” Lawrence feels discouraged and decides that he is going about dating all wrong. He decides not to pursue Marilyn- not because he isn’t interested in her, but because he believes that he simply is not up to snuff.

Marilyn, unbeknownst to herself, is disparaging not to her suitors but to herself. She does not see herself as others see her: attractive, intelligent and interesting. So whoever her suitor may be chances are there will be something wrong with him because there is something wrong with her.

Marilyn is unaware of the fact that the more a man desires her, the less desirable he becomes to her. And the more he retreats from her, the more enticing he becomes. She is in the impossible state of denial and frustration. She lives a life of constant short lived romances, if she manages to get that far with a suitor. The men she does manage to date more than a few times-tend to disappoint her. At times, she will try to convince herself that relationships aren’t that important. But other times, she will look in the mirror and wonder why she isn’t in a relationship yet? The key for Marilyn is to get in touch with a part of herself that is highly critical of herself.



Peggy Sue: “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not”

imageMany a young girl has harmlessly picked at a daisy’s petals and wistfully uttered the words of “he loves me, he loves me not.” But what occurs when a woman’s thoughts steer her again and again to those words. Does he love me? Or does he not?

Peggy Sue in my earlier entry is a fictitious woman who waits for Jeremy to make up his mind. She at times feels his love and intense passion, and yet other times he feels vacuous. What did she do or say wrong for him to get distant?

Unfortunately, Peggy Sue is hooked on the feeling of being “in love.” There is a difference in the feeling of being “in love” and the act of having someone show respect, admiration, care and tenderness. Yes, of course, in the latter case, a woman could experience the courtship and romance, and simultaneously have the feeling of “being in love.”

By the way, men also can get hooked on the feeling of love and waiting for the other to deliver the goods. But for the sake of the characters invented, I will continue with Peggy Sue. She is generally an outgoing, cheerful type, and has many friends, but she is compelled to search for him. The one who will love her and finally complete her. As a result, she has a string of failed relationships and is unclear why.

When Jeremy is around and attentive, she glows. She feels life can be so easy and happy. He loves me! But when he withdraws. She feels the pangs of hurt, pain, and the world once beautiful begins to crumble to rubble. Peggy Sue knows there is something she does wrong. She tries to be more attentive, more flirtatious, sexier, funnier-anything! But more often than not, Jeremy retreats and is vague and cryptic about his feelings. As her world crumbles and she retreats into depression, he miraculously returns.

What is not apparent to Peggy Sue is that the more she pursues the more anxious Jeremy becomes. He becomes overwhelmed with her neediness. When she retreats, he feels less engulfed and willing to engage with her. But this high and low tide exhausts both of them. He never feels he gives enough and she is perpetually in the limbo state of “he loves me, he loves me not.”


Jeremy: His Shadows & Demons

The following is a fictional story of a man named Jeremy.

Jeremy is an attractive, successful, 36 year old  man with a good position at a company. He is in a relationship with Maggie, who he very much admires and loves; but he has not been able to commit to marrying her. His failure to commit is interfered with his relationship with a second woman, Peggy Sue.  According to Jeremy, Peggy Sue is not as intelligent, nor attractive, nor personable, nor as ambitious as Maggie. He also feels that Maggie would be a loyal wife and a good mother: important qualities for him because he hopes to start a family some day. He is confused about his apparent need to maintain a relationship with Peggy Sue, knowing that there is no future with her. He is critical of her because he feels her self-respect is often compromised:  he knows she’s involved sexually with other men.

At first glance, one may ask-what kind of attributes does she have that Jeremy refuses to relinquish her? Can the relationship be purely sexual in nature? But on further investigation, the allure for him is that Peggy Sue embodies a part of his personality that he has unwittingly cast off.

This “split off” part of him is unfitting for the persona that he has for himself. In other words, he has told himself a story of his life and this piece of himself just does not fit. Except when he meets someone like Peggy Sue, the “shoe fits”–they get along famously. She innately seems to understand him. Jeremy longs. Sometimes it borders on obsession to spend time with Peggy Sue. She is uncannily familiar. Since he has been critical of a part of himself, he now finds relief in finding qualities in someone else that he has cast off in himself. He toys with the familiar, the forbidden, the shadow of himself. In addition, it sometimes feels as if they have always known each other. He can be “himself” without criticism and reproach. He can indulge in the forbidden state of being: it is relishing and enticing.

Unfortunately, this presumed blissful state does not sustain, and soon enough the relationship with Peggy Sue is tumultuous. She wants more than just this compartmentalized piece of him whenever it suits him. In addition, he feels a great deal of shame from time to time after brief, intense encounters with her. Depending on what he needs to tell himself at the moment, he will either blame her for the seduction, blame Maggie for some trumped up reason why she is not enough or blame himself for making a foolish mistake for maintaining a relationship with Peggy Sue. He reenters his world of denial again and again. In truth he longs for retribution and a way out of the exhausting conflict and  unbearable feeling of shame.

But he hasn’t learned that Peggy Sue embodies what he simultaneously hates and longs to act out about himself. So what, you may ask, can be done about these unknown, destructive vestiges of the personality that interfere with building a life that he professes to want? Indulge from time to time? There is certainly the temptation to act out, but generally it will result in a repetitious pattern of disappointments. Psychotherapy or psychoanalysis is an arduous opportunity to identify the unconscious processes at work, an opportunity to feel and examine them rather than deny or run away from them and ultimately an opportunity to understand their beginnings, development and give them less power-all through continuous honest talk with someone who is neutral and willing to take you through the journey into the past to come out in the present fully integrated.

Shadows of our personalities can interfere in our ability to sustain happiness in relationships. It is paramount to understand ourselves well, in order to identify the shadows ,and integrate the unknown unconscious parts of our personalities.